My best friend is a wise little bugger.
He told me that I am the bravest person he has ever known. NO… that’s not why I’m calling him wise. He also told me that I am my own worst enemy.
And he’s 100% right.
Lately I have been experiencing this growing sense of resentment at how heavily my friends, family and co-workers lean on me for emotional support (often over seemingly trivial things) and how little I receive in return. It’s always been like that though. People turn to me for help, advice and support because, well, like my friend said, I’m pretty brave and strong and don’t crack under pressure.
Thing is though, sometimes, under the surface, I do crack under the pressure and I do need support myself.
Growing up, I was always taught that you didn’t air your dirty laundry publicly and that what went on behind closed doors stayed there and I have always tried to practise that in adult life. This means I don’t share or speak about my problems with anyone as I simply can’t bear the thought of having someone judge me or know my personal issues or weaknesses. BUT this also means that I never get to share my triumph at overcoming a hurdle or winning a battle.
My friend is wise because he said to me; how can you expect emotional support when no one knows there’s a problem? How can you ever truly conquer an issue until it is in the open and acknowledged as a loss or a win? How can you be ever be truly happy when you’re holding so much resentment inside? 12WBT was supposed to be about stripping away everything until only the real you is left.
He’s right. If I really want to transform I need to leave a whole bunch of baggage behind.
So, here’s to going against what I was raised to believe and confessing the first of my issues.
I’m an alcoholic. I barely ever touched alcohol as both my parents are alcoholics and I didn’t want to turn out like them but following the death of a close friend last year I started drinking and couldn’t stop. All day, every day. Even at work. Mostly because the pain of losing my friend (right after the death of my grandmother) was so unbearable and because people turned to me for comfort and guidance afterward and I couldn’t stand the pressure.
One day at the end of April I realised I had a problem, stopped drinking and joined AA. I broke my days sober at the 12WBT Round 1 Party by having a few champagnes but didn’t start drinking again and have been sober since. I’ve quit the AA meetings though. They didn’t do it for me and I feel like I’m fine to continue on my own. I don’t want to never drink again – I just want to be able to control myself when and if I choose to have a drink for a special occasion.
Thank you for listening.
